10 Things I Hate About Peter Shih
Peter Shih is one of the horrible tech industry people, often referred to as “tech bros,” who are ruining the San Francisco Bay Area with their “market disruptions” (read: illegal and unsafe business practices) like Uber and Lyft, with their private bus services, with their Manchurian candidates for Congress, and just with the fact that you have to be around them at bars. Oh, and also they won’t stop pissing and moaning about how much it sucks that San Francisco isn’t New York. Peter Shih has taken that last one to a dizzying new apex with a stupid thing called “10 Things I Hate About You: San Francisco Edition” that he posted to something called Medium.com, which is apparently a really big deal in the world of people who care about things that are apparently a really big deal.
Well guess what, Peter. San Francisco–and I’m referring to the decent human being population here–hates you too. It hates people like you, but it now hates you specifically as well. Here are our–well, my–ten reasons.
1. Your stupid company and its stupid product name.
Peter, your big important startup that’s going to change the world is called Airbrite, and the app it’s pushing is called Celery. Peter, I understand that it’s meant to be a cute play on the word “sell” having some phonetic commonality with the first syllable of the word “celery,” but Peter, go f*** yourself with that name. Your app is not going to do very well, Peter. According to Techcrunch–i.e., the most charitable, glowing description your app could possibly receive–”it allows anyone to start selling ahead of having a product to ship. That means sellers can start taking credit cards now, then charge when their product is ready to launch.” Peter, you are aware that this is already possible, yes? It has many names, but one of the most famous is Kickstarter.
2. You whine about public transportation but you probably also whine about taxes.
Oh you don’t mince words when it comes to trashing public services, do you, Peter? “SF MUNI is a pathetic excuse for a public transportation system,” you declare. But you’re a tech bro, which means there is a 158% chance that you’re a libertarian, which means you probably spend a good one-fifth of your waking hours crying about paying taxes. Well you should know that the reason we don’t have a great transit system in San Francisco is that people refuse to pay for one. You know why the transit is so much better in New York City, London, Paris, Tokyo, Taipei, Hong Kong, Seoul, and all the other cities you think are superior to this one? They pay for their transit systems there. Coincidentally, the Bay Area actually does have a great transit system. It’s called BART, and it works because it’s well-funded.
3. You apparently don’t understand that we just don’t want you driving your car here.
Yes, it’s hard to find parking. You know why that is? It’s the same reason there are all kinds of crazy rules about what direction you can turn at which intersection and there are some sections of some streets you can’t even drive on at all. The reason is that we don’t like cars here. The City is actively trying to discourage you from driving. Take the bus or ride your bike. If you don’t want to, then leave.
4. Your misogyny.
When you want a way to describe the weather, you compare it to “a woman who is constantly PMSing” because LADIES, AMIRITE! (Hint: if she’s “always PMSing,” she’s not actually PMSing; she just doesn’t like you.) When you have an issue with how your peers act in social situations, you’re particularly bummed out about how they behave “when there are ladies present,” not because you’re concerned about offending ladies, but because you’re trying to get laid at all times when there are ladies present. Then there’s this gem:
“All the girls who are obviously 4′s and behave like they are 9′s. Just because San Francisco has the worst Female to Male ratio in the known universe doesn’t give you the right to be a bitch all the time.”
I don’t even know where to begin with this. OK, let’s start here: are you suggesting that if a woman actually is a 9, she has the right to be a bitch all the time? What kind of weird planet were you raised on? Secondly, don’t use a 1-10 scale to rate women; it’s tacky and suggests insecurity on your part. Third, you know why San Francisco has so many more men than women? Because people like you keep moving here.
5. You can’t handle the weather.
I never thought I would hear somebody in San Francisco simultaneously complain that the weather is the same all the time and complain that the weather changes all the time. But you proved me wrong, Peter. “I hate how I can’t tell the difference between August and February…[but also] I hate having to always carry a jacket because of the 20 degree swings between day and night,” you said. Now here’s the thing, li’l buddy. The reason you don’t have to carry a jacket is because the weather is the same in August as it is February. You get acclimated to the weather after about a month and then you’re fine in shirtsleeves, whether it’s nighttime or daytime. I go out all the time; I rarely bring a jacket.
6. Your lack of self-awareness.
You know that thing you said about “startup bros”? Here, it went a little something like this: “It’s cool that you have a very fulfilling job and love what you do, really bro, I mean it. But please try and talk about something other than what’s on TechCrunch when in a social situation.” OK, so you know all that stuff?
Well that’s exactly how everybody in the Bay Area that doesn’t work in tech feels about everybody in the Bay Area who does work in tech. Minus the “happy for you bro” part, because we’re not happy for you and we hope you die. Especially you, Peter. Your entire online presence consists of a bunch of tech-industry gobbledygook, pseudo-inspirational garbage, and an anti-San Francisco rant, and you want to bag on other tech bros for being tech bros? Pot, kettle, black.
7. Your hobophobia.
Wow, you really hate homeless people. I mean how dare they exist in roughly the same area as you do? I mean these people have the nerve, the nerve, to be mentally ill or struggle with substance abuse? And the City doesn’t just euthanize them for this? Surely Airbrite could develop an app that could delete homeless people from the universe, or perhaps convert them into food. This market is ripe for disruption!
8. Your unmitigated entitlement and privilege.
“The difference between crime in SF versus crime in NYC is that the areas in which it happens are in much closer proximity to where normal upstanding citizens frequently travel,” you write. First of all, you’re incorrect that this is different in NYC. Second, and more important, I know you’re Asian but this is so mindblowingly white-privilege of you that I’m going to have to award you Honorary Whiteness. “Look, I don’t care if poor people are getting robbed, mugged, stabbed, murdered, or raped, but for God’s sake could you do it somewhere else so I don’t have to see it?”
9. You can’t handle closing time being at 2 A.M.
You know why the bars here close at two in the morning? Because the men and women of this great state are good enough at closing the deal that we don’t need the extra three hours to pick someone up. And if we do want to keep the party going, we do what civilized people do: stop paying ten bucks for highballs and bring the whole crew back to the apartment for some late-night good times. Just because you don’t have a well-stocked liquor cabinet, that doesn’t mean it’s San Francisco’s fault.
Also, public transit isn’t nonexistent after midnight. BART doesn’t even shut down at midnight.
10. Your transphobia.
I don’t even have anything clever to say about this. You just don’t like trans people, and you apparently conflate their existence with physical danger to your person: “The Transvestite to Taxi ratio being quite literally off the charts, it is impossible to get home safely, especially if you live far from downtown.”
Guess what: trans people aren’t going to rape you to death. Guess what else: if you say something is “literally off the charts,” there should probably be some actual charts on that subject, and I’m fairly certain no one has compiled a “Transvestite to Taxi Ratio in San Francisco” chart. Guess what, part three: I’ve lived in San Francisco for more than three years and I’ve never been robbed once. Not even late at night by a scary transvestite.
11. Your stupid face.
Yeah, let’s add an eleventh thing I hate about you, Peter, just to make sure I can include this.
Your face, Peter. Your face is so stupid.